Professor Amanda Kirby, CEO of Do-IT Solutions., Campaigner for Neurodiversity, Medic, Knowledge Translator, researcher.

Originally published as part of The Neurodiversity 101 LinkedIn Newsletter.

Building parental resilience while parenting ND children

Parenting a neurodivergent child brings unique challenges and rewards. I can remember lots of times when we have been laughing together as something really funny has happened. However it can be more challenging for most children but especially for those who communicate, process, move differently from their peers. This is particularly true during times of transition or uncertainty.

Building resilience involves nurturing both your well-being and your child’s, balancing emotions, and fostering adaptability in the face of change.

Being a parent of ND kids is definitely a journey with a lot of stops and sometimes it a bit more like a rollercoaster with some unplanned pit stops. As a parent we need to ensure we are also building our own ability to be resilient to manage these times especially as we may also be neurodivergent ourselves!

The word “resilience” comes from the Latin verb resilire, which means “to rebound” or “to recoil”

Resilience is the ability to spring back from difficult situations and is a useful skill for life.

How do we know how much we can manage until life tests us.. and it will do… again and again.

Pediatrician Dr. Kenneth Ginsburg identified the “7 C’s of resilience”--that together allow a child to show resilience in the face of life’s challenges:

competence, confidence, connection, character, contribution, coping, and control.

There are a number of factors that can predict whether a child is resilient or not.Children who do well in the face of serious hardship typically have a biological resistance to adversity andstrong relationships with the important adults in their family and community. Resilience is the result of a combination of protective factors.

It is not an either or as neither individual characteristics nor social environments alone are likely to ensure positive outcomes for children who experience prolonged periods of high stress. Like most things in life it is the interaction between biology and environment that builds a child’s ability to cope with adversity and overcome threats to healthy development.

We know there is a cumulative impact of neurodiversity+ adversity which has a combined impact for some children in terms of coping in the short and longer term.

What can we do for ourselves?

• Connect with others: Build social connections through volunteering, joining a group, or prioritising relationships.  As a parent of a ND child you can feel quite alone at the school gate. When other parents are espousing all the amazing things their children are doing it can be challenging not be able to join in these exchanges( even when you see the wonder and beauty in your own child).
• Take care of yourself: Practice self-compassion, get enough sleep, eat well, and exercise. You see this written again and sometimes I think we pass this over and not focus on it enough. If we haven’t had enough sleep or are fit enough it is 100x harder to cope in challenging settings.
• Find purpose: Set goals, do things you enjoy, and find a sense of success and purpose every day. Small goals can add up e.g. listening to a podcast; or a favourite piece of music; learning a new skill… it doesn’t need to be huge things.
• Learn from the past: Think about how you’ve coped with past troubles and what helped you through. This is important. You will have been challenged before and what or who helped? Understanding how you work well ( or not) can make a real difference to not just surviving but thriving. I know I need to walk. I need to get outside in the fresh air every day.Eleanor Roosevelt said: “With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts.” I always think that helps that tomorrow is another day especially when today has been a hard one!
• Practice gratitude: Review your day and pick out things you’re grateful for however small they may be.
• Practice mindfulness: Try relaxation techniques like yoga, meditation, deep breathing, or prayer. For some ND parents sitting still is hard to do. So find something you have to focus on ( otherwise you fall over!)>
• Accept change is happening all the time: I think this allows us to recognise life’s ebb and flow and know we can’t control everything.
• Take action: Don’t ignore problems otherwise they grow bigger, but instead figure out what you need to do, make a plan, and take action. In the context of your children do think about times of transition as early as possible and start planning. These leaps won’t not happen!
• Seek help: Find out from other people what’s helped them, but be careful about sampling lots of advice and becoming overwhelmed with differing perspectives. Remain cynical.

What else can you do for you and your child?

1. Acknowledge and validate emotions

• For yourself: Recognise that feelings of overwhelm, guilt, or frustration are natural and some days will be hard. Self-compassion is key—acknowledge your emotions without judgment and others will be feeling the same thing but may hide it from others. We can feel ‘less than’ and even feel shame at not being able to ‘sort out’ our children’s needs. Creating moments for yourself can be difficult when juggling life.. but even 5 minutes with a cup of coffee and listening to an audiobook can make you regain some control; a 10 minute walk around the block can help reset and come back into the situation feeling like you are in more control./
• For your child: If you have more than one child you will know each one can express their emotions differently. Recognising different ways of expressing emotions either physically or verbally is important to be able to pick up early signs of distress.
• Create space and time for each to communicate, whether through words, behaviours, or other means, and validate their feelings without rushing to “fix” things is important.
• Find different ways for your child to name how they feel – this could be on a rating ladder and they can point, or using a colour chart from hot to cold, or smiley faces. As they get older and if they are able to verbalise this then encourage them to name them. Model this to and name how you are feeling.

Tip: Use phrases like, “I can see this feels hard for you. Let’s figure it out together.”; I can see something is difficult for you; let’s see what we can do”

2. Build predictability during times of change

• Transitions, like starting a new school, new year or adapting to family changes and major holidays, can be especially challenging for neurodivergent children who find planning, organisation and time management harder to deal with day to day.
• When making friends is difficult then a new year or new school can be more stressful and exhausting.

For your child: Sweat the small stuff.

• Go through the day starting the evening before and planning for it. Think about each moment such as changing clothes, making food choices,
• Use visual schedules or social stories to provide a clear roadmap of what to expect.
• Break changes into smaller, manageable steps and celebrate small wins.
• If it is a holiday or Xmas time for example, go through what is going to happen and when and share pictures. Allow them to also have ‘time away’ from the noise and intensity and don’t expect too much from them. If they normally can’t stay at the table for more than 10 minutes, don’t expect them to sit through a long lunch with others around. Be realistic.

For Yourself:

• Identify and focus on what is within your control while acknowledging what isn’t.
• Structure your day to include moments of calm and stability.
• Plan ahead where possible.

3. Maintain connection and communication

• Stay connected with your child by spending quality time doing things they enjoy.
• Share age-appropriate updates about changes, using clear and direct language, and pictures if required.
• Be honest but reassuring.
• You may need to go over what is happening and rehearse scenarios several times.

For You:

Share your feelings with trusted friends and family.

Find support groups where you can hear other parent’s experiences and share yours so you don’t feel alone. Often these are good places to know what’s going on in your area.

External perspectives can help you feel less isolated and provide practical advice.

4. Balance self-care and advocacy

• Self-Care: Remember, your resilience feeds your child’s stability. Prioritise rest, mindfulness practices, or engaging in activities that replenish your energy.
• Advocacy:
• Advocate for your child’s needs without taking on everything alone. Find out what your child should be receiving.
• Partner with teachers, therapists, or support groups to share the load.
• Keep notes in a folder ( paper or online) to capture what’s happening and when so you don’t have to keep trying to recall information again and again.

Tip: Set boundaries to avoid burnout. Not every problem needs an immediate solution.

5. Cultivate flexibility and adaptability

• Model adaptability: Demonstrate how to respond calmly to unexpected challenges. Let your child see you adjusting plans when things don’t go as expected.
• Encourage flexibility in your child: Practise small changes in routine to help your child develop coping skills for bigger transitions. This can be difficult if your child seeks stability and gets anxious about change.

6. Reflect on the positives

• Take time to reflect on your and your child’s strengths. Celebrate small achievements and progress, even if they perhaps may seem minor to someone else. I always remember that they were huge steps for us and reminded us all we were moving forward.
• Keep a journal or notes of proud moments to remind yourself of the positive strides you and your child have made.

7. Seek professional support when needed

• Navigating emotions during significant change may require extra support.
• Don’t hesitate to reach out to therapists, counsellors, or parenting groups to gain tools for managing emotions and building resilience but be sure they have the appropriate qualifications and experience to advise you!

8. Remember it’s a journey, not a destination

• Resilience is built over time through challenges. Focus on growth, not perfection. No-one is perfect and we are all trying to move forward as best as we can. We will make mistakes but it is learning from them that is most important.
• Recognise that balancing your emotions with your child’s needs is an ongoing process. Be kind to yourself as you learn and adapt.

Families can help build resilience in neurodivergent children by:

• Creating a safe space – somewhere to go, or a toy they like can be calming
• Encouraging a growth mindset – small movements add up
• Developing emotion regulation skills – this is creating a language of emotions and actions that are something the child can use throughout their life.
• Encouraging problem-solving – show how you make mistakes also and can learn from them – in every day tasks… a cake not rising; a lost sock; forgetting keys…
• Teaching reframing – how could we look at this differently – it can be a helpful skill for life
• Being patient – very hard for all of us sometimes and this is where taking 5 minutes to breathe and reset can make a difference.

“If you are pained by any external thing, it is not this thing that disturbs you, but your own judgment about it. And it is in your power to wipe out this judgment now. “

Marcus Aurelius

Blog Author

I am Amanda Kirby, CEO of Do-IT Solutions a tech-for-good company that delivers thought provoking consultancy and neuroinclusive guidance and training. We have developed cutting edge web-based screening tools that have helped 10s of 1000s of people. We strive to deliver person-centered solutions relating to neurodiversity and wellbeing.

I am a mixed bag of experiences and skills, an odd ball… and have 25+ years of working in the field of neurodiversity.

I am a medical doctor, Professor, and have a Ph.D. in the field of neurodiversity; parent and grandparent to neurodivergent wonderful kids and am neurodivergent myself.

Theo Smith and I wrote the UK award-winning book Neurodiversity at Work Drive Innovation, Performance, and Productivity with a Neurodiverse Workforce. My 10th book came out called Neurodiversity and Education in March this year. Excitingly, Theo and I have another book coming out next year!

References:

Bayat M. Evidence of resilience in families of children with autism. J Intellect Disabil Res. 2007 Sep;51(Pt 9):702-14. doi: 10.1111/j.1365-2788.2007.00960.x. PMID: 17845239.

Books for children about resilience

https://biglifejournal.com/blogs/blog/top-childrens-books-resilience?srsltid=AfmBOootkPt3giuGw22xE–PWdvTmkBSAwdk5M95NKARlCt3QSlER5Sh

Classic book dealing with times of change:Who Moved My Cheese: An Amazing Way to Deal with Change in Your Work and in Your Life