Professor Amanda Kirby, CEO of Do-IT Solutions., Campaigner for Neurodiversity, Medic, Knowledge Translator, researcher.

Originally published as part of The Neurodiversity 101 LinkedIn Newsletter.

Connection is at the core of everything

I was recently reading a great book about the laws of connection by Robson (The Laws of Connection: 13 Social Strategies That Will Transform Your Life).

What it focuses on is that social connection is critical to all our wellbeing. When we don’t have good social connections it can have devastating consequences, including increased risk for our mortality!

What is connection all about?

Connection comes from Old French and Latin meaning “a binding or joining together’.

What makes us feel connected or disconnected?

Connection is a shared reality with another person. This is someone who thinks, feels and experiences the world in a similar way. When this happens are neural activity synchronises,stress goes down.. it is a meeting of minds.

People like me!

Behavioural and neural evidence suggest that experiencing shared understanding across various contexts has been linked with better well‐being. Have you not felt the buzz of connection when someone ‘gets what you are saying/thinking?’ This may also be the reason, which sounds counterintuitive, for pushing us to greater social conformity.

There is some evidence that while the experience of shared understanding is rewarding, that the opposite of lacking shared understanding may trigger a neural “alarm” signals. Potentially motivating us to conform to neurotypical behaviours of the main group and reestablish a sense of a shared worldview with others. This is a form of masking. Our brains are persuading us to become more like the other person and how they act and speak! No wonder it is exhausting to do.

How do you know if you like someone or they like you?

What stops you engaging with someone?

The ‘liking gap’ is an interesting concept as it is the disparity between how much a person believes that another person likes them, and what is the other person’s actual opinion. Studies have found that most people underestimate how much other people like them and enjoy their company. We often think that people like us less than they really do. This has an impact in work settings as it can stop us working with others because we feel less confident in someone else wanting us to do so.

I think that neurodivergent individuals may face unique challenges in relation to the “liking gap,” especially if they have experienced past poor social interactions. The “liking gap” is the disparity between how much a person believes another person likes them and the other person’s actual opinion.

Studies show that most people underestimate how much others like them and enjoy their company. This can significantly impact neurodivergent individuals, who might already struggle with social interactions and interpreting social cues.

Here are some potential issues why this may be happening:

1. Lower self-esteem and confidence: Past negative social experiences can erode self-esteem and confidence, making neurodivergent individuals more susceptible to underestimating others’ positive perceptions of them.
2. Misinterpretation of social cues: Difficulty in interpreting social cues can exacerbate the liking gap, as neurodivergent people may misread neutral or positive interactions as negative or indifferent and may not always seek clarification. Damian Milton has written extensively about his concept of double empathy. In the past 15 or so years there was also hype about ‘mirror neurons‘ explaining different levels of empathy. Today there remains interest in what their function is. There is some thinking that they contribute to imitating another’s body movements and help distinguish basic gestures. This may be a reason for challenges with some social connections also among children with Developmental Coordination Disorder/Dyspraxia. Some of this work was first undertaken by colleague and friend Elizabeth Hill as far back as 1998!
3. Avoidance of social engagement: The belief that others do not like or enjoy their company can lead to avoidance of social interactions. Limiting opportunities for collaboration and relationship building in work settings. There may be reasons for avoiding going out after work that can be misconstrued including managing to talk in a noisy setting and fatigue. This can then lead to less opportunity to have more informal conversations too.
4. Increased anxiety: Fear of negative evaluation and misunderstanding others’ intentions can heighten social anxiety, making it even harder to engage with colleagues.
5. Impact on teamwork: Misperceptions about being liked can hinder effective teamwork. Neurodivergent individuals might hesitate to contribute ideas or collaborate, fearing rejection or disapproval. There can be dominant voices that make it harder for the quieter ones to speak up.
6. Communication barriers: Struggles with communication and expressing oneself clearly can compound the effects of the liking gap, leading to further misunderstandings and social withdrawal. Some people need longer to process their thoughts and responses too (e.g. some people with Developmental Language Disorder/working memory challenges).
7. Need for explicit feedback: Neurodivergent individuals often benefit from explicit feedback and find ambiguity harder to grasp. The absence of clear positive reinforcement can leave them uncertain about their social standing, perpetuating the liking gap.

Addressing these challenges:

To address these challenges, it’s crucial to foster an inclusive and supportive environment that provides clear, positive feedback, encourages open communication and offers training on social skills and understanding social cues for all. This can help neurodivergent individuals to feel more confident and valued, ultimately reducing the impact of the liking gap.

Asking for help is a good thing!

The Benjamin Franklin effect is a psychological phenomenon where a person who has done a favour for someone is more likely to do another favour for that person than if they had received a favour from them. This effect can positively influence help-seeking behaviour.

Why Benjamin Franklin?

He said:

“He that has once done you a kindness will be more ready to do you another, than he whom you yourself have obliged.”

I wonder how often some neurodivergent people don’t ask for help when they need it as they can feel they have failed. At the same time some other people may be very adept at asking anyone for help around them.

What do you gain when you ask for help?

1. Improved learning and performance: Seeking help can lead to a better understanding of tasks, enhancing overall performance and productivity. I have seen people with good intent work really hard at the wrong thing as they have not sought clarification!
2. Strengthened relationships: Asking for help can foster a sense of trust and collaboration, strengthening professional and personal relationships.
3. Increased resourcefulness: Regularly seeking help can expand an individual’s network and resources, providing access to diverse knowledge and expertise. None of us can do everything. I can’t reach the top shelves and have to often ask people to reach something for me in a shop for example… I have skills in other areas!
4. Enhanced problem-solving skills: Collaborating with others can introduce new perspectives and solutions, improving problem-solving capabilities. This is crucial for a neurodiverse workforce where we don’t want cookie-cutter thinking and need new ideas and solutions.
5. Positive feedback loop: Effective help-seeking can build confidence and reduce stress, creating a positive cycle of continued help-seeking and growth.

Can you ask for too much help?

This is difficult as if you lack confidence you may keep wanting reassurance from others. A safe work environment to make mistakes is also important.

1. Perceived dependency: Excessive help-seeking might lead to perceptions of dependency or lack of competence, potentially undermining confidence.
2. Time and resource strain: Frequent requests for help can strain the time and resources of others, leading to potential frustration and reluctance to assist. There is a balance and sometimes it is hard to know when you have crossed the line.
3. Reduced autonomy: Over-reliance on help can impede the development of independent problem-solving skills and self-reliance. Sometimes we need to have a go but check we are on the right track before going to far along especially if what you are doing has a deadline or is impacting on others work
4. Building goodwill: When individuals ask for help, the helper may develop a positive attitude towards the help-seeker, leading to a stronger, more cooperative relationship..

Teaching help seeking behaviour to aid engagement

Knowing when and how to seek help is considered an important self‐regulatory skill linked to learning and achievement. By seeking help, individuals can create opportunities for repeated interactions and support, leveraging the Benjamin Franklin effect to build a supportive network. One recent study showed that there was a positive correlation between peer help seeking and help giving. Suggesting that pupils in school who sought help from their classmates across lessons were likely also to give help. Help-seeking can set the stage for reciprocal favours, fostering a collaborative environment where individuals are more willing to support each other.

What do you think?

Are you good at asking for help? How do you find it is making connections with others?

Is this why we like to be ‘tribal’ as we recognise similarities in others in the way we act, move and process information?

Blog Author

I am Amanda Kirby, CEO of Do-IT Solutions a tech-for-good company that delivers thought provoking consultancy and neuroinclusive guidance and training. We have developed cutting edge web-based screening tools that have helped 10s of 1000s of people. We strive to deliver person-centered solutions relating to neurodiversity and wellbeing.

I am a mixed bag of experiences and skills, an odd ball… and have 25+ years of working in the field of neurodiversity.

I am a medical doctor, Professor, and have a Ph.D. in the field of neurodiversity; parent and grandparent to neurodivergent wonderful kids and am neurodivergent myself.

Theo Smith and I wrote the UK award-winning book Neurodiversity at Work Drive Innovation, Performance, and Productivity with a Neurodiverse Workforce. My 10th book came out called Neurodiversity and Education in March this year. Excitingly, Theo and I have another book coming out next year!